


Growing Pains

by Excaliburstark



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, First Kiss, Last Kiss, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Pining, Sad Merlin (Merlin), This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22624522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Excaliburstark/pseuds/Excaliburstark
Summary: Angst Angst Angst AngstPining fic(Might delete)
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 92





	Growing Pains

**Author's Note:**

> So many metaphors omg someone should've stopped me-
> 
> This is like a complete mess, it feels so disjointed ugh
> 
> So much prose talk idk if this even makes any sense 
> 
> Everyone is super out of character eek sorry 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it anyway x

Being in love was a sickness and a cure: It would cause symptoms like sweating palms, fluttering stomachs and racing pulses then soothe it with soft smiles, secret looks and silent exclamations. 

Unrequited love, however, was like death. A heavy omen carried like a rock, dragged with every step. Another stone for every thought of them, another mile for every hope. It drove one mad or fatigued them into a depressive state. 

So far Merlin had not fallen into either of those categories, sometimes watching Arthur and Gwen would cause a sharp pang but Merlin knew nothing would come of it. He loved both of them dearly but he was reassured by the fact that it was an implausible match. Merlin continued to be joyful and content despite the long winter nights. 

*

Summer was upon them, a time of joy and celebration, a time of hard work and the reward of plenty. But not for all it would seem. Merlin was a bleak winterland, a wasteland, empty. 

He watched from the shadows, growing colder at each interaction, as Arthur courted Gwen. He felt jealousy like an icy gale, disbelief and despair cut at Merlin's heart like a December chill. Cold gusts howled as Arthur put a flower in Gwen's hair and hissed at Arthur's pleased expression when she responded with a sunny smile.

When he was alone with Arthur, Merlin was cotton, filled with wispy nothings. Merlin thought that if someone stabbed him with a needle it would go right through. He was a cotton man in Arthur's prescence. 

Every time Arthur looked at him a fibre of Merlin's being wrapped itself around the king, a part of himself unspiralled each time they touched. His heart was tangled up with Arthur so intrinsically, but now Arthur had given his heart to someone else and had yanked all of Merlin's strings that were embedded so tightly. 

But when Arthur announced his engagement to Gwen, they finally tore. 

Now Merlin was stringless, a broken puppet. His love lay in a mangled heap where Arthur had discarded it in favour of ribbons. Merlin had never felt such pain. 

*

Merlin suffered silently through the ceremony celebrating the best and worst day of his life, Arthur's coronation and also his marriage. Merlin kept his emotions bottled, corked his tears and clapped when Arthur's eyes meet his. A fake smile was plastered to his mouth like badly pasted wallpaper. Arthur's eyes moved past him though his mouth seemed down turned for a moment before he turned to his bride. The two of them were radiant, beaming. They were the beacons of a new era and a kingdom of love. 

It made Merlin sick with envy then sick with guilt for hating the little happiness they'd found. 

*

Pained wheezy noises came from deep within his chest, they kept scratching their way out of his throat and blocking his breath. Merlin was crouched awkwardly, knees up to his chest on the thin uncomfortable bed he'd been given. He curled his hands around his calves, nails digging into the pale flesh there.

"Merlin." The soft touch to his arm and the concerned questioning voice were the last thing Merlin wanted right now. 

"Go away." Merlin managed to say, his voice rough and choked on a sob. He thought he'd be hidden or atleast left alone in the antechambers to Arthur's room, where he'd recently been reassigned. It was spacious and Merlin supposed it was done out of kindness but it was a foreign land, it didn't feel like home. 

"Merlin." Arthur repeated, moving to crouch in front of him. He managed to coax Merlin to set his feet on the floor. Arthur put a hand on Merlin's knee, whether it was out of reassurance or to prevent him from curling up again Merlin was unsure. 

He also didn't care. The touch seared through Merlin's trousers, a hot handprint branded on his thigh. Merlin would feel it for days after. The thought just made him cry harder, the thing he wanted was so close but unavailable. He shuddered, light headed and weary as he wept. Sorrow clobbered him and stole his breath. 

"Please, what's wrong?" 

Arthur had never seen his manservant so distraught. He was pale as milk, eyes red rimmed and raven hair closer to a ravens nest, chest heaving as he tried to suck in air. 

Arthur leaned forward more, hands fluttering uselessly before he placed one on Merlin's shoulder.

"Breath, Merlin. Breathe." Merlin's forehead was leant against Arthur's as he tried to catch his breath but it was no use. 

"Merlin." Arthur's head moved, too close, his lips accidentally grazed Merlin's. Merlin stopped, salt sodden tears still sluiced down his face but he was silent. 

Arthur's lips met his again, tentative but purposeful. Merlin responded eagerly, hands moving into Arthur's hair. Wet mouths moved together and Arthur's hand gripped the back of Merlin's neck. 

Arthur groaned as Merlin tugged lightly at his hair, he pressed his chest against Merlin's. His hands roamed over sharp shoulder blades as tongues touched teeth. 

Arthur's name was urgent on the others lips, spoken with reverence between kisses. "Arthur Arthur Arthur" 

It snapped him out of it. Arthur pushed Merlin, hard enough that Merlin sprawled back onto his narrow cot and Arthur rose from his knees to stand. He faced the door, unable to look at Merlin.

"A-Arthur?" Merlin sounded unsure, breathless and broken. 

Arthur put his hand on his mouth briefly before turning to face Merlin, his exterior stone so as not to crack under Merlin's heart wrenching look. Arthur looked at Merlin's red mouth and then up to his red eyes.

"We can't." He said simply, unable to say the harsh words he needed to, he knew Merlin was persistent, he needed something stronger to deter him but looking at Merlin's dark ringed eyes and splintered expression he hoped it was enough. 

Arthur swallowed and reached for the door, his red cloak swished behind him. Merlin was silent. The door clicked shut. 

*

"I love you." Merlin said stubbornly, wanting Arthur to say it back. 

"We can't- Merlin, you know I can't."

Merlin swallowed back angry tears and spiteful comments, in favour of candid truth. 

"But you could've." Merlin said, mouth flattening to a pale line, knuckles curling into frustrated fists. "You could've and instead you married my best friend." 

"She was-" 

"What, available?" 

"Don't say that. I do like Gwen." A look flit across Arthur's face, so quick it would be indiscernible to those unfamiliar with deep seated secrets but Merlin didn't miss it. That one look, that split second, shattered Merlin. He had waited too long. Arthur was falling for Gwen or on the cusp of it.

Arthur saw Merlin flinch, knowing his feelings were out in the open Arthur's face crumpled into an apology and he reached a hand out, stepping towards him to somehow console his oldest friend. 

"I wish I could hate you." Merlin's anger had dwindled to a harsh whisper, tears collected at the edges of his eyes. He blinked, they smeared on his cheeks before being swept away by a shaky fumbling hand. 

"Merlin" 

Merlin had already retreated out of sight, half running down the corridor to get away from the tainted space, the unwanted truth, the inevitable. The thought had followed him around like a ghost but now it had been confirmed. 

It was worse now, not just because of Arthur's feelings for Gwen but because Merlin had missed a chance he never knew he had and now the grief hit him twicefold. Merlin wished Arthur had never told him, never kissed him, he had given him hope just to cruelly take it away again. 

Merlin could have kept pretending these sweet nothings, these idle touches and open looks were one sided and impossible but now-

All of heavens fury struck him as he fully realised what Arthur's confession meant, what that kiss meant, could've meant if only it had been a few weeks earlier.

* 

Arthur seemed hesitant and unsure, Gwen saddened and confused. Guilt dredged every conversation and melancholy lapsed over the kingdom, which had been filled with such hope at Arthur's coronation. The knights all shifted uneasily when Merlin entered a room, knowing that the mood would sour. 

Merlin was sick of it. He knew his previous words had a heavy weight, one that could not be lifted by anything except Merlin's absence it seemed. And even then, he wasn't sure. This endless heaviness was crushing, suffocating all of them. 

Merlin always thought that even if his feelings were never requited he could still stand by Arthur and fufill his destiny. It seemed Merlin had ruined even that. 

It took Merlin a few days to decide to leave Camelot, Merlin wished he could do it in a way that would ensure that Arthur would never want to see him again, a way that would turn Arthur against him because even his hate was preferable to his pity. 

Merlin could think of only one thing that could do that and deep down Merlin feared the king's reaction and feared tainting their bright friendship too much to ever tell him about his magic. Merlin wanted to preserve the memories and not have them perverted by the overtone of his secret. He had learnt that sharing secrets did not bode well. 

So instead, Merlin slipped from existence. He packed his bag in the middle of the night and left under the guise of an old man. 

Merlin never went back to see if anyone missed him. He was sure no one did.

**Author's Note:**

> At Arthur's reincarnation they embrace with a kiss. It was just bad timing in Canon


End file.
